


no matter how hard we try to live our fantasies

by lostin_space



Category: Animal Kingdom (TV)
Genre: 2+1 - Freeform, M/M, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-12 19:02:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19235212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostin_space/pseuds/lostin_space
Summary: deran trying to cope with an overwhelming crush. Alternatively: 2 times deran didn’t go for it, 1 time he did.(title: falling in love by aj abdullah)





	no matter how hard we try to live our fantasies

.1.

“Can I go surfing with Adrian today?”

Deran watched Smurf as he waited for her answer. He’d slowly been convincing himself that they all hated Adrian.  It wasn’t that Adrian was easy to hate, quite the opposite, in fact, but he was still paranoid.  He was blaming it on the fact that he was stupid and seventeen and starting to think about Adrian in a way that he really,  _really_  shouldn’t.  He was terrified that his family was starting to realize it.

But Smurf didn’t seem to notice because she smiled, “Of course, baby.  Just be home for dinner.”

She gave him a kiss before he left.

By the time Deran got to the beach, Adrian was already there and rubbing sunscreen into his skin. The whole scene was oddly reminiscent of a dream he’d had a few days prior.  Only this time, Adrian had more clothes on.

“Hey,” Deran called after letting himself stare for a minute.  He’d known Adrian forever, but he still was lost on how his skin stayed so pristinely pale when he spent so much time in the sun.  even the freckles that dotted his body didn’t seem to offer much in the way of a tan.

Adrian smiled over his shoulder at him and Deran’s brain short-circuited.

“Hey!” Adrian said, flashing a smile that made Deran feel fuzzy inside.  Which made him a little angry.  He pushed both of those feelings away.  “Almost thought you weren’t gonna come.”

“Why would I stand you up?” Deran asked, grabbing his board from the back of the truck.  Adrian dabbed the white lotion on his cheeks, effortlessly becoming so adorable that it was distracting.  He almost dropped everything.

“I don’t know, you physically kicked me out of your bed last week and almost let me drown the week before, so Rude Deran is showing up whenever he wants,” Adrian said, but he lessened the blow by playfully kicking sand his way and grinning.  Deran looked him up and down, kicking sand right back.

“I… didn’t mean to be rude,” Deran said.  Adrian rolled his eyes and tossed him the bottle of sunscreen.

“Make yourself useful and get my back.  I’m not ready to become a lobster just yet,” Adrian said, his smile still in full bloom.  He didn’t have to tell him twice.

“Okay,” Deran agreed, stepping up behind him as he turned around.

Deran wasn’t stupid.  Horrifically scared and in denial?  Maybe, but not stupid.  He was into Adrian.  It took more than 10 different realization-moments before he accepted that fact, but we can’t all be perfect.  He tried to avoid thinking about what that meant for his sexuality.  He didn’t want to think about it.  He’d much rather just think of Adrian and his back muscles and the way he smiled and how he probably looked with his board shorts on the ground.

And he did just that as he began to rub the sunscreen into his back.  This was probably the most Deran had touched him since he realized he liked as more than a friend.  It had heat pooling in his stomach.  He really did keep himself in check for a while though. It took Adrian flexing his shoulder beneath his hand and letting out a little hum before his shorts began to tighten.

Deran paused, focusing on anyway to make it go away.  He wasn’t about to be outed by a rogue hard-on.  He filled his mind with anything that could possibly will it away.  Mud, vomit, dead puppies, Craig.  Frustration filled him when it was hardly working, taking over inch by inch of his body until Adrian hissed in pain and ducked out of his grip.  Deran came into focus only to see a handprint on Adrian’s shoulder.  His eyes widened.

“Damn, Deran,” Adrian laughed, smiling at Deran as if he hadn’t just bruised him.  He knew he did.  Adrian bruised easy.

“I’m sorry, I‒”

“Don’t worry about it.  You’re just too strong for your own good,” Adrian mused, his eyes glistening in the sun and literally how was he supposed to not be into him.  He was too gorgeous and too nice and Deran didn’t deserve him as a friend, much less as more than that.  At some point, he realized he was staring again.  “Hey, you okay?  You’ve been acting weird lately.  Thought it was just Rude Deran, but…” Adrian asked and God he sounded genuinely worried, what the fuck.

“No, I’m fine, just…” He tried to find a good excuse.  Saying ‘I like you’ was insane and saying ‘I dream of you nearly every night’ was worse.

“Cody Family Business?” Adrian filled in.  Oh yeah.  He literally had the world’s best excuse.

“Yeah.”

“Then come on, get in the water with me.  I’ll take your mind off it,” Adrian said, grinning that enticing grin as he walked backward toward the water.  He didn’t know how wrong he was.

Deran followed anyway.

.2.

“Can I tell you something?”

Deran turned his head to face Adrian as they laid in the sand on the dark beach.  It was Adrian’s 18th birthday and for some reason, he hadn’t wanted a large party.  His request came with red cheeks and a timid smile: a night surfing and getting shit-faced, just the two of them.  Deran had been on cloud nine and, even as his nerves built leading up to it, it was the highlight of the whole fucking year.

“You know you can,” Deran said. Sincerity was rippling through him and he couldn’t find a reason in the darkness to keep his walls up.  He blamed it on the alcohol.

“But… you promise you won’t freak out?  And that you won’t tell anyone?  Because I don’t want anyone to know, I’m still figuring it all out, I just trust you because, well… I trust you,” Adrian said into the sky, not looking over at him.  Deran was okay with the fact he wasn’t looking at him.  It meant he could stare all he wanted without Adrian telling him he knew.  He could drink in his jawline and his pale neck, his bare chest that rose and fell with his breath, the freckles that were sprinkled all over his body, the way his eyelashes brushed against his cheeks when blinked, and the way his lips stayed parted slightly.  He was beautiful.

“Who would I tell?  The only person I tell anything to is you,” Deran said, his fingers twitching in desperation to reach out to him.  Man, he really must’ve drunk a lot.  He was feeling ballsy and needy as hell.

The neediness burned deep in his bones whenever Adrian turned his head towards him and gave him a kind smile.  He was nervous, that much was still present in his eyes, but he was smiling.  He had such a nice smile.   _If he could just reach out and touch…_

“So you’re not gonna freak out?”

“You didn’t freak out about me,” Deran pointed out.  Adrian pulled his bottom lip between his teeth.  

He had accidentally discovered more than he should’ve about the Cody family a few months prior.  It really wasn’t his fault.  He came over every Wednesday to hang out with Deran.  One Wednesday, though, happened to include a job and he walked in and saw a few hundred thousand laid out on the table while Deran nursed a budding black eye.  Pope nearly lost his shit, but Deran promised to take care of it and pulled Adrian aside.  Adrian said he had his suspicions‒everyone did‒but it was a bit more wild to see it in person.  He also said he was worried Deran would get hurt which had him feeling fuzzier than he really should’ve.

Deran made sure to tell Pope that he’d made an excuse and that Adrian had bought it.

“This is different, though,” Adrian said softly, looking back to the sky, “I’m scared you’ll look at me differently, treat me differently.”

“You’re my best friend, nothing you say will make me feel differently about you,” Deran promised and he meant it so badly that it hurt.  He had accepted that he was attracted to Adrian, that was fine, whatever.  It wasn’t until he saw Adrian throwing up after drinking too much that he realized it was something much worse than that.  There was no logical reason that he was so worried about him that he catered to him that entire night, and there was even less reasoning for why he still found him attractive when he reeked of vomit and looked sickly as hell.  He’d really been trying to get rid of those stupid fucking feelings‒they made him weak and there was no point since he couldn’t act on them.

But then Adrian would smile at him and he was gone all over again.

“Okay, you promise?” Adrian said again, shifting onto his side and facing Deran completely.  He chuckled slightly, turning as well.

“Promise.”

“I’m gay,” Adrian said, his voice soft and his face scared as he waited for his reaction.

Deran didn’t know what to say.  The first thing that popped into his head was just a chorus of panicky  _‘fuck’_ s and  _‘oh no’_ s.  It was one thing to be interested in a guy who you knew could never like you back, but it was a whole new ordeal knowing that he  _could_  and that he still couldn’t fucking act on it.  Adrian was into men and Deran, a man, was into Adrian.  So, so,  _so_  into Adrian.

But what would Smurf say?

“Oh, God, you’re freaking out,” Adrian said after Deran took too long to respond.  His eyes widened as he tried to piece his thoughts together, watching Adrian sit up quickly.   _God, why couldn’t he be better with words?_  “I-I get it if you don’t want to be friends with me anymore, but, please, don’t-don’t tell anyone.  Please don’t tell anyone.  I’m still trying to figure it all out and, and I just wanted you to be the first person to know, but I get it if you, you, you don’t want to be around me anymore.  ‘Cause, like, you know, we’ve slept in the same bed and I, well, I’ve seen you naked and stuff and‒”

“Adrian,” Deran managed to say, sitting up as well.  He crisscrossed his legs, letting his hands fall into his lap.  Maybe if he kept adjusting it would cover for the fact that he had no idea what the fuck to say that wasn’t  _’me too’_  or  _’I like you’_  or  _’holy fuck you’re hot’_.  The last one didn’t even fit the conversation.  “I don’t care.”

There we go.  That’s good.  Good choice.

“You don’t?” Adrian asked.  He looked and sounded so vulnerable and Deran’s heart ached.

Again, a million wrong things tried to fight it’s way to the surface.   _’Kiss me’. ‘Run away with me’. ‘I love you’._ Yikes.  Eventually, he found a way to simply say: “You’re still Adrian, I just know more.”

Whatever was in that alcohol must’ve blessed him with a few extra brain cells.  It even earned him one of the best smiles in the world.  Deran considered it could probably overpower the sun.

“Can I hug you?” Adrian asked, but didn’t really wait for an answer as he wrapped his arms around his neck.  Deran was still for a moment, trying to keep everything stupid and out of control in his body in check.

Eventually, he let himself go and wrapped his arms around Adrian.  Deran’s eyes closed, tugging him close and allowed himself, for a moment, to pretend that this was something different than what it was.  For a moment, he could pretend Adrian was his.

When he pulled out of the hug, he found it hard to let go.  Adrian seemed to understand that feeling and their foreheads met in the middle, their hands on each other’s arms and nothing but the sound of the ocean.  Deran opened his eyes to see Adrian staring right back.  They were close enough that Deran could feel him breathing, could feel the tip of his nose brush against his own, and could see the way his eyes flickered down to his lips more than once.  This was his chance.

Kiss him now or never get another opportunity.

 _Kiss him. Kiss him. Kiss him. Don’t be a coward, kiss him. He’s waiting. Fuck everyone else, this is_ Adrian _. Fucking do it!_

“You’re a good friend, Deran,” Adrian whispered, his thumb rubbing circles into his bicep and Deran was about to fucking lose it.  His stomach was so tense it hurt and his brain was so full that he couldn’t find anything coherent to say.  Everything was Adrian.  This was better than any wet dream.

So, instead, he let his body take over.  His eyes looked down to Adrian’s lips and then back to his eyes, making sure it was obvious what he wanted and giving Adrian a moment to deny him if he wanted to.  He didn’t.  Deran slid his hands up over his smooth shoulders, stopping as they cupped the back of his neck.  And he leaned in.

Their lips were barely a millimeter apart when his phone rang and he was rudely reminded why he shouldn’t be doing this.

Deran cleared his throat as he backed away, “I should get home.”  Adrian was staring at him with a hard to read face, nodding as he let his hands slip away.  Somehow, even in the heat of California, the absence of his hands had him feeling cold.

“Deran,” Adrian said softly as they both stood to their feet, “You know you can tell me anything, right?”  Deran let his eyes scan over Adrian one last time before he had to leave and never got to touch him like he just had again.  He cleared his throat, convincing himself that he wouldn’t miss it.

“I know.”

.3.

“Can I stay with you?”

Adrian blinked a few times in confusion before it slipped into badly disguised worry and he stepped to the side.  Deran stepped inside, reminding himself that this was Adrian’s place and he couldn’t trash it.  He had to be  _respectful_.

But he couldn’t help it, he was pissed.  His hands balled up into fists, pressing against his head as he took ragged breaths in some stupid attempt to calm himself down.  He didn’t want to fuck up Adrian’s place, but he also really needed to hit something.  It only melted away a little bit when Adrian’s hand gently touched his back.  He’d become way too sure that Deran wouldn’t hit him like he would anyone else who touched him like that.  Thankfully, he was kinda right.

It’d been a few years since their almost-kiss on Adrian’s birthday and even though they never actually spoke about it, it had definitely changed something in their relationship.  Adrian felt more comfortable touching him even as, with each passing year, Deran’s anger got worse.  He’d manhandled Adrian more times then he liked to recall, but it made him feel better in the moment.  Later, he’d hate himself for it.  He already hated himself.  The prospect of hurting Adrian made that hatred worse and almost confusing.

Why couldn’t he just stop fucking liking him? It was such bullshit.  He was an adult now, adults shouldn’t hold on to stupid teenage crushes.  That was Pope’s territory.

“What happened?” Adrian asked softly.  Deran huffed another heavy breath, his nails digging into his palms.

“It’s fucking Smurf, man.  She keeps fucking treating me like I’m stupid!  She’s putting me and Craig both in shitty situations over and over and I swear she wouldn’t even give a shit if I died.  I know she wouldn’t!  She’s perfectly content in her selfish little fucking bubble!  So is Baz! Pope too!  They all think they’re so high and mighty ‘cause, ‘cause they, I don’t know,  _come_   _up_  with shit, but even if I came up with shit, it’s not like they would listen!  They don’t give a shit about me, man, I’m just there to take the fall for shit, I know it.  I’m the baby, I don’t fucking matter,” Deran rambled.  He’d almost begun pacing a few times but pacing meant losing Adrian’s hand on his back and that was the only thing keeping him from doing something stupid.  “I literally almost fucking got killed yesterday and she  _didn’t even care._   Said it was my fault!  My fault some guy knocked me out with a gun and proceeded to fucking hit me when I was unconscious!  My fault, huh?   _My fault!_ ”

“Hey, hey, you know it’s not,” Adrian said, actually reaching up and placing his hand against his cheek.  A tornado of  _something_  stirred in his stomach, staring at this man who thought it was okay to touch him like he might break even when he’d hurt people.  Adrian knew damn well how dangerous he was‒and he still touched him like that.  What the fuck? “Are you okay, though?  That guy, he didn’t hurt you too bad, right?” Adrian’s fingers gently grazed over his sore cheekbone.

“The-the rest’s under my shirt,” Deran mumbled, feeling more than a little lost.  Adrian always threw him off course, but today felt different.

“Can I see?” Adrian asked.  Today was  _definitely_  different.

Deran nodded once, reaching for the bottom of his shirt.  He got it about halfway before he winced, pain racing through him from the bruises that littered his abdomen.  Adrian helped him take it off completely and gave him a smile once it was off.  Okay.

Deran watched as Adrian inspected his bruises, a grim look taking over his previously smiling face.  Adrian looked up and silently asked if he could touch to which Deran had no choice but to agree to.  The minute he felt his calloused fingertips against his stomach, every inch of him covered in chills.  He should’ve been embarrassed and maybe a little part of him was, but a bigger part was focused on Adrian and how he didn’t even tease him about it.

There was a lot of things different about today after all.  Today, Deran didn’t give a shit what his family thought. In fact, he would happily do something to piss them off.  If he got something good out of it, then that’s even better.  He wanted to get away, to start new.  He was tired of being hurt, being treated as nothing more than a little minion.  He wanted to stop worrying about all the shit he was worrying about.

What better place to start than with Adrian?

“Adrian,” Deran said.  Adrian hummed as he stood up straight, standing closer than usual with a confident little smile.  He knew, he had to know. How the fuck did he know?  It didn’t matter.  

Deran basically smashed his face into Adrian’s.  It was a whole lot less smooth than he could’ve been and a whole lot more forceful than that moment on the beach, but none of that really mattered when he was  _kissing_  Adrian.  And Adrian was kissing him back.  He had to arguments as Deran pushed him against the wall.  Deran happily ignored the pain it caused in favor of focusing on the absolute gift from God that was kissing Adrian fucking Dolan.

“Run away with me,” Deran proposed, pulling away just enough to get his bottom lip back from Adrian’s teeth.   _Fuck_.  “Let’s get the fuck out of here.  Fuck my family, let’s go.  Just you and me.” Adrian furrowed his eyebrows, looking over his face to see if he was joking.  He wasn’t.

“You really want that?”

“I know a guy down in Belize.  Let’s fuck off.  We don’t have to ever come back.  We can spend all day surfing and all night fucking for the rest of our lives.  Come with me,” Deran proposed, moving back into Adrian’s space.  He liked it there, it was more welcoming than anything he’d ever experienced.  He put his lips on Adrian’s neck.

“Deran,” Adrian said, grabbing a handful of his hair as Deran pushed him harder into the wall, “I get… I get why you wanna leave, but do you really wanna take me with you?”

Deran stopped, moving to look into his eyes.  How did he somehow know that Deran was into him, but didn’t seem to see just how much?  That was so frustrating.  He didn’t have the words to tell him how much he wanted it, none of them worked. ’ _You’re the only one in the world I want with me’_ was too dramatic, and ‘ _I’ve loved you since I was 16 and the only way I can have you is if we go away together_ ’, while honest, was ridiculous.

“If you want, we can fuck first to make sure the sex is good enough before you agree,” Deran offered, watching Adrian crack a smile.  He hoped he got it.  He hoped that him asking at all told him everything that he couldn’t find the words for.  He didn’t think he’d ever be able to find the words.

But he somehow had Adrian, so anything was possible.

“I’ll take you up on that offer.”

**Author's Note:**

> also on my tumblr: spaceskam


End file.
